It feels like it has been months, but really only 3 weeks.

I am doing better, I still am having a hard time, but there is definitely progress.

I feel like such a downer sometimes, but am so grateful for my life and what I have.

This experience has made me appreciate everything so much more!

I miss my little brother everyday, but am so glad that I believe that I get to see him again and when I do he will get a big kick in the balls,

and then a huge hug!

Its been a week since my brother died.

My family and I have been so busy, planning all that goes into the funeral, all his belongings, etc.  

I haven't really had the time to mourn him. I miss him like crazy and wish I had told him I love him more.

My husband has been so wonderful, I couldn't have asked for better support.

I have had some good times this week too.

I received a BEAUTIFUL arrangement of flowers this week from my Rock Springs friends, it made me feel so loved! I took them everywhere with me,  (I know I'm weird.)

My friends in Utah gave me a surprise paparazzi party, they displayed all my jewelry and invited everyone they knew to come. It was awesome. The day he died was going to be the day of my first party and after that happened I just kind of lost all the excitement over selling it, but that helped restore it a little.

I am getting some help in dealing with all this and I think I will keep getting better and better, I kinda wish it was a year from now so I could look back on all this and not feel so much anxiety and sadness. Time heals everything and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

I am really looking forward to getting home and not being around so many things that remind me of my brother and of course I miss all my girls in the Rock.

Hey baby brother,

I know you are having a big family reunion up there, but I hope that on this day you are here with us and can see all the people that loved you and cared for you.
I am going to miss you everyday! I was not ready to say goodbye to you yet, but I know that you are at peace and that I will see you again.
I remember growing up that you were my best buddy, protecting me from any dangers and playing with me even when it meant you being dresses up as a girl.
I loved you so much then and I love you now.
I remember playing make believe baseball at the park, putting on magic shows for Brittany and Ashley in the backyard, you painting my dolls face brown. I was so mad at you, but couldn't stay mad for long, I never was able to be angry with you.
I remember eating lunch with you on your very first day of junior high, all the road trips we went on as a family, and your excitement at finding another song you liked and having to share it with me. I remember you driving our van into the garage door, and your face when it happened and it was all because you were wearing your stupid Tasmanian devil slippers. I remember you bearing your testimony on trek and being so proud to call you my brother. I remember your face when you got to show us your new baby boy. How proud you were.

I remember so many things, mostly little things, like dinner times, and school days and your cub scout pack meetings. But I mostly remember being with you and knowing that whatever I needed you would be there to help. I always knew that you were always going to be there for me and now that you are no longer on earth I expect you to watch over us from above.

I love you baby brother, till we meet again!

Your big sister.

 These are the thoughts I prepared for the funeral. I almost couldn't finish writing it. I know that there are alot of unanswered questions and suspicions on what happened, but I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends who understand what a hard time this is and don't ask about the details. That they will love me and support me in anything I need.  I just want to thank you so so so much!  You are all helping me get through this and I LOVE YOU!